Teh C-r0x0r 8106...

2007-02-08T17:19:00.000-08:00

Carlito's "Best of Everything" awards 2006! part 1

What follows is a subjective list of the best things in 2006, based purely on my own opinion of course and not swayed by such factors as sales or critical praise. If anything, this brief 'year in review' will be a great conversation starter. Feel free to disagree with my choices, but never to my face. Be warned that any disagreements brought to my personal attention will be settled by a bare knuckle fist fight.

MUSICA!

Best song 2006
Pussy Cat Dolls - "I don't need a man"

The PCD crew retain their Best Song title for the second year running with this, the quintessential ballad of female empowerment. The Pussycat Dolls don't need men to make it happen, and they sing it to the mountains to make damn sure we know it! With the unbreakable bond of a girl on girl sisterhood, a funky pop beat and a hook sung by the most talented female lead in music today, anything can be achieved!

Their empowering message speaks not only to females, not only to the girl next door or your best friends older sister, not only to the Crescenta Valley High School cheerleading squad (Winners of the Los Angeles County High School cheerleading Championships 1995) or your local Girl Guides troupe (C is for Cookie! Support em!), it speaks to the feminine side of Men and Lions the world over! Embrace the feminine, and make it happen.

It's this message, one that I believe in and will die fighting for, that makes 'I don't need a man' the best song, of 2006...

Or maybe its the video clip.

Actually yeah its definitely the clip, message schmessage. Shakin your ass and revealing that you'd get it on with your girlfriend if there were no men around will win you this award every time, every time! Keep it up PCD, I wish you a long and illustrious career.

Runner up
Pussycat Dolls feat Snoop Dogg - "Buttons"

Lost out to "I don't need a man" because Snoop keeps interrupting the shots, sorry, I meant the song. However... Shakin your ass in mock strip tease whilst throwing wooden chairs around and telling me to take your clothes off will definitely take you places girls, every time! Keep it up PCD, I wish you a long and illustrious career.

The Girl Song of 2006
Beyonce "Irreplaceable"

Every girl I know at some stage late in 2006 has commented "Oh this my song!" upon hearing the first few chords of this, the third single from Beyonce Knowles's B'day Album. School girls on busses with fancy phones sing along to it, as do power suit wearing corporate's in red MR2's. That Emo chick over there wallowing in angst is not, as you might assume, listening to AFI or My Chemical Romance, it is Beyonce that sings on her iRiver (Although she would never tell her Emo friends).

Every club, in every city, from here to Baffin Bay has played "Irreplaceable" at least three times a night since its release. It makes good business sense because, as everyone knows, females are the life or death of a club, bring the girls and the men will follow, no questions asked, wallets out. And what better way to secure an impressive female club population than to blast a track like this, a Feminist equivalent to the Horn of Gondor, a rally cry from the Queen of all girls.

Still number 1 on the charts after 5 weeks, (Her first number one without a guest vocalist) and they're still not sick of it! But there is a reason behind the popularity, a 'walk to the talk' if you will. This is not one of those songs where you find yourself asking "How the fuck did this make number 1?!". Its the real deal.

Co-written by all star R&B hit writer Neyo, Irreplaceable is Beyonce's strongest and most emotionally ranged vocal performance to date, the "To the left" hook could knock out Rocky Balboa (he'd be singing along as he hits the deck "Everything you own in a box to th- arrrgh..."), and the simple guitar melody produced by StarGate is a welcome contrast to Beyonce's previous sample heavy/beat driven B'Day singles. Lingerie and hair curlers have never looked or sounded this good.

Beyonce...

I love you...

Honourable Mentions

The Raconteurs "Steady as she goes"
So fuckin catchy, and snappy (Not the 'snap yo fingerz' snappy, the 'I keep snapping myself singing this in the mirror' snappy.) seems Jack White can do no wrong. Also it speaks to me and millions of other males in my current stage in life:

"Find yourself a girl, and settle down
Live a quiet life in a quiet town"

As opposed to my current, single, Shallow Hal lifestyle of partying and looking for no less than a super model to marry. Luckily its just a stupid, albeit awesome pop/rock song and I don't have to heed to it's god damn lecture...

Cansei de Ser Sexy "Lets make love, and listen to Death from Above"
I liked this track immediately and I don't know why. Probably due to the fact that this band (image and music) is dripping with cool, also the lead singers name is Lovefoxxx, she's half Japanese half Brazilian and sings in cutesy broken English i.e:

Run run run for make a heart shake
Kiss kiss kiss we'll make this earth quake
I'm gonna get what I'm really into take
This gotta work, its matters to me??

Dripping with Cool + A name like 'Lovefoxxx' + Half Japanese/Half Brazilian + Cutesy broken English = My perfect woman.

Busta Rhymes "Touch it"
The baddest rap song of 2006, with a filthy filthy fuckin filth of a beat and showcasing some of the best MC's in the game (DMX, Pampoose, Lloyd Banks, Rah Diggah, Mary J Blige, Missy Elliott, Neyo). I love how each artist raps the first half of their verse real low and then on Busta's "Turn it up!" cue they start screaming that shit as the harsh beats and air raid sirens kick in. The chorus is contagious too with the "Touch it, turn it" sample from Daft Punk's 'Technologic', further proof that Hip Hop music of late, has borrowed heavily from its bastard second cousin, Techno (Yes "Techno", don't go there with your genre theory please. Want more proof? Listen to any Little John song like 'Snap yo fingers' sped it up to 160bpms. You'll be dropping E's and reaching for Lasers in no time.)

Cassie "Me and You"
Hypnotic melody and smooth vocals highlighted by dark synths (I love darks synths, which is probably why I was such a Drum and Bass head in my day), this is a solid and addictive debut by Bad Boy's new Bad Girl. She can definitely hold a note, although she'd get burnt in a singing competition (Especially if Beyonce, the Patron Saint of Singers and Queen of all Girls turned up), but these days unfortunately (well unfortunate for your ears, fortunate for the eyes muhuhahaha, annnnnyway, unfortunately...), voice comes second to image, just check out Paris Hilton's album.

Best R&B sister act since, well, ummmm, sister act... sister act...Cleopatra? - Cherish "Do it To it"

Best song featuring the name 'Jesus' in the lyrics - The Killers "When you were young" (also my favourite sing in the shower song 2006. What was that? Too much info? Ahhh Getta fuckit...)

Critics choice award - Gnarls Barkley "Crazy"

Sing along chorus but no one knows the verses award - Corrine Bailey Rae "Put your records on" nice song though.

Best summer "Break up and become bitter towards your ex but then get over it and exact emotional revengeance" song -
Lilly Allen "Smile"

Most impact from an appearance on a Grey's Anatomy musical montage - KT Tunstall "Suddenly I see"

Coolest video clip I can think of right now 2006 - Sean Lennon "Dead Meat"
Also up there for coolest song title 2006. Sean Lennon is writing music but then gets writers block and looks at the t.v and is transported into the scene. He rides into town on horseback in what looks like Zorro era Mexico, he sees this hot chick and so tries to impress her with his poker playing skills but this other military guy (hot chick's boyfriend) is kicking his ass so Sean gets pissed off takes him on in a Sword Duel to the death. The military guy kills him in the end and all the girls pass out. Poker's all fun and games until someone draw his sword... check it out here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hhG-UV4G-bg

Song I secretly liked that no-one else liked - Lady Sovereign "Hoodie"

Best guest lyricist - Krazie Bone for Chamillionaire's "Ridin", the (close) second baddest rap song 2006

Worst song of 2006 - Chain hang low - Jibbs
Yeah it was cute the first time I heard it. The first time. Now it just represents everything that's wrong with music today. I've wasted too many words on this already, fuck this song and fuck Jibbs for making it. Hahaha harsh guy, easy tiger!

Next up: FILMA!

2006-12-17T15:52:00.000-08:00

On Video Games...

"Tell me about it! It doesn't even matter how old they are, my boyfriend is like 29 and he's still on the PS2 like 24/7. Why do guys like video games so much?!" - Some girl I overheard at a bar that is about to get carved up by my answer.

Your boyfriend likes videogames so much because you're such a bad, naggy girlfriend who doesn't let him see his friends, listen to alt rock or wear his favourite stone wash jeans in public. But he doesn't have the balls to leave you right now because he's really let himself go since becoming your boyfriend and doesn't think he can score a chick as hot as you straight away as 'the game' may have changed in his absence, this makes him angry at himself for being as weak willed and addicted to fritters as he is. What happened to the captain and star quarter back of the High School football team? He asks himself that every day... You think he's concentrating intently on the video game, when really, he's just pressing a few well practised button combinations, whilst meditating on a plan to end your so called relationship...

Just kidding.

First of all, the average age of a video gamer is now 33, and (In terms of revenue) gaming beats both music and movies as the number one entertainment industry in the world. Although you don't need to consider it 'High Art' just yet (give it time), you do need to get those silly thoughts of videogames as kids stuff out of your head. Ummm... right now please.

Second of all....

From the classics of yesteryear, to the blockbusters of today, excelling at video game playing has always come down to two key skills: Hand eye co-ordination and Spatial Temporal Awareness. (Aiming, shooting, double jumping at just the right place, quarter circle forward hard punch, unit one attack vehicles unit two attack infantry, can you reach the health pack before the tank? Block block focus counter attack, winger in support pass dummy step try, stop the slot machine just in time for seven critical hits, punch sweep uppercut infinite combo, fire fire cover reload draw sidearm fire.)

What's that you ask? Which natural hormone enhances both hand eye co-ordination and spatial temporal awareness? Testosterone. Yes, Testosterone, the anabolic steroid and primary male sex hormone. Males generate about 20 times more testosterone than females, hence my ability to parallel park with authority. Now, when we were cave-people for, I don't know, 300,000 years (give or take 250, 000), males had the fun task of waking up every morning and hunting animals for our survival (While the females defended their homes/families and forraged for fruits and berries I assume) and over that time our bodies evolved according to this daily routine. Therefore, every morning males get a massive testosterone injection (hence their morning "condition") so that we are amped and fully hand eye co-ordinated for the hunt. Its in our DNA, and it can't be undone by 100 pathetic years of modern living.

But since the hunt has been replaced by the checkout, what do we do with all this pent up testosterone? Release it with typical male stuff really, play/watch sports, fight, womanise and play videogames. As to for, in a world bereft of video games, there would be a hell of a lot more of the stuff just floating around, picking on the weaker hormones, the streets of your quiet country town would be transformed into a testosterone dripping Matador conference. Sure there would be a hell of a lot more guys playing sports, but there would also be a lot more fighting and womaniser's. Now do you really want that?

In conclusion, dear my female friend, all you need to know is that when males play video games, they are in fact complying with a very old, very human and very primal urge that has passed down via DNA from father to son for half a million years. The urge to hunt, kill and provide for his family... So the next time you feel like throwing your stiletto's at your significant other's head while he's on the second to last stage of Warhammer 40,000 Dawn of War: Winter Assault, (autosave turned off mind you) just remember that he's not playing the very well balanced, action packed futuristic/fantasy fusion real time strategy game expansion pack for his own selfish entertainment. He's playing it because he loves you. Because he wishes that he were back on the icy plains hunting the giant woolly mammoth, so that you could both see it through the next harsh winter...

"My girlfriend hates video games man, how could you hate them?! They are teh r0x0r! Girls are weird, why don't they like video games?" - Some dude at the bus stop.

My Brother of the Bus Stop, I know their secret.

Q. Why don't girls like video games?
A.They do, they're just pretending they don't!

Confused?

Sigmund Freud, "Father of Psychology", once said to Marie Bonaparte "The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is, what does a woman want?"

Freud was an idiot.

I know what they want.
What women want, is a man, who can kick ass at video games. Sure they act like they don't like em, they act like they couldn't care less, that it annoys them. Buts its all reverse girl psychology, trust me. To those who doubt and try to debunk this universal truth, I challenge you to leave your girlfriend in the same room as me while I get a double perfect Super K.O in Street fighter Alpha 3... with Dhalsim... Watch their eyes dilate slightly, see their lips fill out somewhat. And why you chickening out now Doubtron?!

When females see me ripping shit up on the joypad, on a subconscious level they are thinking:

"Damn, this motherfucker is badass, if my life ever depended on one round of any given multiplayer sports, real time strategy, beat em up or first person shooter, I would be safe in his hands. He would be my saviour. He is my saviour. But I can never tell him. Say something anti-video game, but not too harsh, he is my saviour after all"

Then she'd say something like

"You're such a 24 Carlos!"

Which is a compliment actually.

So, you want to know how to use this knowledge to impress your lady love or get that goth girl you've been pining over since age 16? Here are some tips...

Timing

Timing Timing Timing! It is everything brother! Try timing a real time strategy game so that, as soon as your girl walks in from a hard days work, you have amassed an impressive military force ready to strike into the heart of the enemy base. Vary the types of units you use, as seeing the same type of tank or soldier wont convey your strategic mastery of the Warrior Arts. So spice it up, units are like accessories to her, the more the better! Then proceed to crush the infidels, to the sound of her awe.

Magic

Girls loooove magic, buts its a tragic love, as they know that without the endorsement of two active members, they'll never be able to join the International Brotherhood of Magicians. So do yourself a favour when you're playing the latest instalment of Final Fantasy or Dragon Quest. Up the magic buddy. Sure leave a tank character on the sidelines who can destroy monsters with a single sword swipe, but up the magic! Nothing is more impressive than the full compliment of earth fire wind water and lightening spells finished off by the summoning of Bahumat the King of All Dragons. What she is seeing is not the characters casting a spell, but you. You become the magic man, and your joypad becomes your wand, or staff or magic stone.

The gift that keeps on killing

Stuck for a gift to give your girl this holiday season? How about a World of Warcraft account? Imagine her surprise come gift giving time when, instead of leading her under the Christmas tree, you lead her to your PC where you'll load up her WoW account and show her the Elven Huntress character you modelled to her likeness and levelled up to Lvl 60. Now she's gonna look unimpressed and may even cry (Don't worry, she's impressed, but its her duty to keep up the illusion of disinterest) That's when you bring out the real Christmas present... the Huntress's weapons. Your girlfriend will not be able to contain herself when you say to her:

YOU: See that bow honey? That is not just any bow, that is Rhok'delar, Longbow of the Ancient Keepers!
GIRL: What the fuck kind of prese--
YOU: Yep, it was being held by the Undead Scourge in the Cavern of a Thousand Frost Wyrms, and I killed them all baby.

And then, supriseo numero deuce, you flick off the lights, turn on the projector and watch the replay of your Lvl 73 Human Warrior Character's 13 hour mission through the Frost Wyrm cavern to retrieve Rhok'delar. She will see how through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered you fought your way to the Lord of the Ice Wyrms, defeated him in a battle that spanned over 3 long hours (and cost the lives of many friends) then took up your prize.

How.

Fucking.

Romantic.

Winning is Everything!

People who lose are called "Losers", not "Just having Fun-ers" and definitely not "Babe Magnets-ers". In the presence of a female, it is imperative that you pull out all stops to get the win, you have no friends, there are no 'cheap' tactics, sympathy is for the weak. Do you think she's gonna be thinking all night (and quite possibly all month) about the guy who just got his spine ripped out of his body by a Sub Zero Fatality? No way, her every thought will be on he who took Victory and drunk of its chalice. I don't know how many relationships I've ruined by kicking some dudes ass at Daytona in the front of his girlfriend.

DUDE: Babe should we take off, movie starts soon.
GIRL: Ummm... Your dumped.

Oh and one more thing... Should you ever lose to a girl, skip the country weakling. You're not welcome in the land of the long white cloud, and you'll be ostracized by every female here anyway for your obvious lack of gaming prowess.

Rhythm is a Dance Dance Revolution

Face it, you can't dance. But what you lack on the club dance floor you can more than make up for on Arcade Rhythm games. The beauty of it is, all these rhythm/dancing games have now been ported to PS2, so you can get in as much practice as you like in the privacy of your own home (And you should be vigilant in your training time if you wish to impress, anything less than 3 hours per day is useless). Once you've mastered the PS2 version, ask that goth girl on a date. Have a lovely wee stroll through some old graveyards then take her to Time-Out and challenge her to a game of Dance Dance Revolution Remix (under the ruse that you've never played before). She will be amazed at your perfect score by the halfway point, but that's when you make your move... Push her off her side and show her that you can get a perfect score using both dance pads! She will be scarring your name into her arm in no time!

Using this P4 technique (Practice Private, Performance Public), you can get the same goth girl attracting results from any arcade rhythm game, Drum Master, Guitar Hero, DDR Extreme, Pop' n Music its all good stuff!

I have a Japanese friend, now he's not the best looking guy in the world, too skinny, geeky glasses, wears grandma's knitted jersey, stays at home with his parents. But every time I see him he is surrounded by gorgeous females, so I asked him "Bro what's your secret?" and he says "What do you mean what's my secret? You're the one that told me about it, girls love badass gamers man, check this out!" Then he played Pop'n Music, here is the footage

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hvfWGvq33I&mode=related&search=

You all could learn something from my little Japanese friend.

FINISH

2006-10-26T19:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Carlos underscore P at Hotmail dot com.

Dear Carlos_P@hotmail.com,

You have been my e-mail address for going on 13 years now and I'll be honest, I haven't always treated you as well as I should. At times I've neglected you, so much so that Microsoft would de-activate you for months at a time, but still, you waited for me, you never let some other Carlos P take the Address that I have rightfully claimed (As Armstrong claimed the moon with his nations flag.)

As you know, I went through a "Cool Witty pop reference e-mail address" phase in my teens. I'm sure at times you looked at 'Gatecrasher@ihateclowns.com', 'TupacIsAlive@bboy.com' and 'Triangle-O-X-Square@gamerz.com' with scorn and hints of envy, but you knew it was just a phase. Even though you're 13 years my Junior, you're so wise and I love that!

When I left school and entered the workforce (complete with work e-mail), I forgot about you again, tempted by the unlimited access to 'Carlos_P@westpac.co.nz' (Who, with the humorous and oft times risque forwarded messages, was quite fun and my only real reprieve from so mundane a working environment, but you don't wont to hear that right?). I treated you like you were worthless, some inanimate object to be thrown by the wayside at my leisure, I forgot that you have feelings too and for that I'm sooo sorry...

Because it was during the tough 'unemployed, hungry and bored' times, when my phone and internet had been cut, my computer stolen, my library card cancelled due to unpaid fines, during these times, when I would expect you to kick me as I lay prone then laugh at my pathetic... umm... ness? Patheticness is that a word? or... These were the times that you stood up to be counted as my one true e-mail address. I could go into any internet cafe with you to look for work, send a guilt trippy tear jerker e-mail to my family to get money wired my way, or sign up for free por... ummm stuff, free stuff, sign up for free stuff yep... Nothing like free stuff when you're broke!

You were always there for me, so loyal, so patient...

Which makes it all the more difficult to tell you this Carlos_P@hotmail.com... I... I wont be requiring your services any longer... I'm leaving you...
Yes there is someone else, Carlos.P@gmail.com is here and here to stay. With her 2.7 gig inbox, AjaxXSLT framework, WAP-enabled mobile phone access, PSP browser compatibility, GoogleTalk/Calendar intergration and Autosave enhancement, although still officially in Beta testing she's everything I'm looking for in a free webmail POP3 e-mail service, bigger, faster, smarter, better looking, next years model...

I'm letting you know this because you have been the best e-mail address, its the least I could do. But there are times Carlos_P@hotmail.com, where you either change or die, and since you wont change... you have to die...

Farewell...

I will, Never forget you...

! "Are you sure you want to cancel your hotmail account?"

...

Yes

*weep*

2006-08-17T16:40:00.000-07:00

So I had this dream about a relay.

I had this dream on Monday, fuck I love the randomness of dreams! Really whack shit happens outta leftfield but all seems so normal in dreamland.

Anyway the dream opens on a rugby field just down the road from my house where my league team (Otara Scorpions, Sting dat ass!) were training. The coach brings the team in and says.

"O.K so today for training we're gonna have a relay race, I'm gonna split into two teams and you're going to deliver those parcels (we look to the left and see two piles of parcels, brown paper tied up with string type parcels) one at a time to any post shop in this area. Team one is everyone except for Semi, and Team 2... is Semi. Lately he's decided that training with this team is optional so we're going to cancel his contract as you all know (Yeah in the dream we were getting paid to play) however according to the contract, he can challenge the team to a physical duel and if he wins he'll keep his place. This is that challenge"

We all looked at Semi (Fresh looking dude wearing a hood) who is standing alone warming up. What a fuckin slacker, what's his problem? Too good to train with us now? No way you're gonna win this mate, save face, give up now, find somewhere else to play.

"O.K so Tanu, Carlos you guys are up first, grab a parcel and join Semi at the starting line"
I look up and the field is now an athletics track with starting blocks and a big cheering crowd like the Olympics. So Tanu (who, in real life, doesn't play league with me at all.) and I take up our position next to Semi. Some random dream kid with a big sloppy hat fires the starting gun and we take off at full speed.

There's a video camera on tracks following us along the side, I look at Semi who is just behind me, then I look straight ahead where the track has now turned into Great South road, Manukau (It's funny how in dreams the scenery can change dramatically in a second, but your dream self just rolls with it. One second I'm in an office, the next I'm in a factory that makes edible dolls heads, and now I'm in an underwater cavern trying to find a dying Queen bee.) and I'm still running holding the parcel with Tanu right next to me but Semi is no where in sight. We were full on sprinting for miles on end but not even getting one bit tired, man it was sooo cool.

I knew that it was a breathing pattern we mastered a long time ago that meant we could run full speed forever without tiring. In, in, out, out, in, in, out - in, in, out, out, in, in, out.

We reached Rainbow's End
"Hey Tanu where's the nearest post shop?"
"Bro I don't know, I live in Wellington remember?"
"Oh yeah... shit..."

Then a man came out of Rainbows End, he's wearing one of those costumes that makes it look like he's being carried in a cage by a monster, anyway he blows a whistle then says.

"Why don't you two runners catch a cab? Look there! Taxiiiiiiii!"

A Yellow New York cab pulls up and we jump in. I realise its Mr Mills, our P.E teacher from College driving, but he's talking with a New York accent. We catch up a bit first then ask him where the nearest Post shop is, he says Botany Downs (In dream geography, Botany Downs was located where Manurewa should be.)

We get off at Botany then sprint into the mall where the post shop is. The shop is a piled mess of packages and letters and parcels and boxes, so I go up to the counter and one of those little troll banker dudes from the Harry Potter films is the only one working.

"Hi uhhhh can I leave this with you?"
"Can you not SEE how busy I am? You'll need to come back later."
"We're kind of in a race at the moment sir"
"A race?! A race...hmmm, that parcel, what is it?"
He jumps onto the counter and takes the parcel which then begins to glow
"Yes, yes I see, of course you can leave this with me young man, a good day to you too and, good luck"
"Cheers bro!"

I walk back into the mall and then a chick in blue (who's face I couldn't really see) comes up to me
"Excuse me sir, do you know where the lady's room is?"
"Just over there Miss"
"Those ones are locked..."
"Oh, O.K, there are more down the corridor and around the corner"
"Those ones are cold..."
"Have you tried upstairs? Third floor methinks."
"There's a guard tiger in those ones, he's not very nice..."
"O.K well the McDonalds toilets are the only one's left"
"Take me there"

So I take her to Macca's and find Tanu digging into a Chicken Boss burger and a Large bowl of soup.

"Tanu sole what are you doing? We're in the middle of a race!"
"Hahahaha fuck it bro, we're still gonna win, Semi aint shet he can't even do the breathe pattern! Come, have a seat, you want some?"
"What is it?"
"Chicken Apple noodle soup with mini coffee croissant croutons"
"What?"
"Mini. Coffee. Croissant. Croutons!"
"Fuck you've changed Tanju, gimme that spoon...

mmm... ...

My god...

Sole thats the best soup I've eeeever tasted (and it really was, damn you dream food that I'll never eat in real life!)
"Baaad aye?!"

Then Tanu's twin Pua comes running in.
"Hey, what the fuck are you guys doing?! Semi's already delivered 5 packages!
"What?!"
"He's just been taking them to the post shop in Papatoe."
"God dammit, why didn't I think of that!"
"The other guys are pissed off man you better get back now! whoah whoah hold the phones, is that what I think it is? Aye? You little munchkin?! Gimme that spoon... Yeahhhh!! This is the BEST soup!!

Me and Tanu leave Pua to finish the soup, and take off back to the field, full pace of course. On our way a big gang of bmx riding Kevin Smith type slackers take up the whole road and delibrately try to get in our way, but we overtake them. At last we get back to the training grounds and slap hands with the next two runners.

Next thing I know our team has caught up to Semi and we both only have a single parcel left in our pile (Parcels now look like A4 Courier packs). Semi arrives back first and runs off with the last package, while I wait to run the final leg. After a couple of minutes our team mate turns up and I sprint off to catch up.

About halfway to the post office I see Semi passing me in the opposite direction, so change my breathing pattern again which doubles my speed, in, in, out, out, out, in, out, out - in, in, out, out, out, in, out, out (if only this worked in real life). Now I'm running so fast that my feet barely touch the ground, Sonic the Hedgehog syle. I get to the post shop, chuck the parcel in then charge off to catch my opponent. I see him far in the distance and in no time I'm gaining on him. I catch him before we get to the Golden Gate bridge (which leads to the field) and the dream goes into slow mo (Yeah my dreams have slow mo, and bullet time!)

I pass Semi and give him a cheeky fuckin smirk
"Hmph..."
he looks back with the saddest, most exhausted eyes ever. Then I go into a dream flashback of the first day I joined the team and this guy was the first to talk to me and make me feel welcome, and he helped me with the drills and moves and shit, and he talked all the time about his kids back home he wants to save up and fly over, and he never complained when I became better than him and started taking his position, game time, and pay bonuses.

So on the Golden Gate bridge I stopped dead in my tracks and gave him a slap on the back

"Just go sole..."

He ran off into the distance, then I heard a loud creaking sound and the world quaked slightly, I looked up at the sky, and the sky became my bedroom ceiling, my view panned down and I saw my cousin Hans who I stay with.

"Bro wake up its five past seven."

Hehe talk about your cheesy 'Best of the Best' my enemy is now my friend type ending! What was my Subconcious thinking? Should have gone for the glory man! Mercy is for the weak! I'm sure their would have been a twist had I not been woken up just then, but then I may not have remembered this dream so vividly, and you would have nothing to read on a Friday.

But still. Mercy is for the weak! Cobra Kai for life!

Fa.

2006-07-31T15:42:00.000-07:00

How was your weekend?

Some people at work are asking me this and I'm giving them my standard "Polite chit chat" response: "Good thank you, how was yours?" No details necessary. Yeah I work with you and we have to keep this relationship as bearable as possible, but we have nothing in common and in real life I would never hang out with anyone like you and the feeling is mutual I'm sure. You know it, I know it so why waste anymore breath?

Regular acquaintances would get a little more info, info level 2, something like "Yeah saw a movie and went to a 30th". Kinda the conversation equivalent of feeding a stray dog crumbs from my McMuffin (McDonalds Mo...).

Only my real friends and aiga get the full unedited version of events.
"How was your weekend?"
"Great! I went on the Journey"
"The Journey?"
"Yeah, The Gun Journey, just call me the Journeyman, went to Faga Malaga[*see Apendix A] and back drinking 14 hours straight. Got so drunk I took a leak in a linen cupboard. That was after doing the school haka by myself, and crying for no particular reason"
Not really the kind of story you tell over the water cooler to Samantha from accounts. (Especially after the drunken good bye kiss which lingered a bit too long at the last work function, a subject you both tend to avoid, but that's another story and not even a true one so...)

I'm too hung-over to continue this e-mail today. The words all look like they're swaying (Wonder if the words are looking at me, writing e-mails to their friends saying that I'm swaying? Shit I probably am swaying... argh...) Don't know how I've made it this far into the day (hour and 15 haha) I'm gonna have a sleep, finish this sh*t tomorrow...

I'm back now (Tuesday)... where was I? Oh yeah...

Ahhh alcohol, the great equalizer, the great divider, the multiplier. The patron saint of merriment. The friend indeed to those in need. Courage in a bottle, sex in a sip, Isn't it fantastic?

Isn't it?

Alcohol?

No not Alcohol.

Alcohol... Crown bearer to drama queens. Hair oil of the Sultans of sleaze. Hazardous crack on the emotional train lines. Memory thief, shame stealer. The illusion of wealth. The little Egyptian slave boy from the movies who's fanning Cleopatra or the Pharaoh with leaves or those feathers, but instead of Cleopatra or the Pharaoh, Alcohol fans the flames of Wrath! And Envy and Greed and whichever of the other deadly sins you can think of but kind of slip my mind at the moment... ... ...

like...

er...

...

Lust...atron...ion...

Lustatronion...

I don't know where I was going with that but I have decided that I wont be drinking ever again. I over did it a bit on Saturday/Sunday, I woke up at 11:30pm Sunday night with weird muscle spasms all over, and I downed 2 litres of water and decided it would be a great idea to cook drunk. I burnt my toast, pathetic! Stupid! Who burns toast?! Baked beans on burnt toast. Breakfast of Borons (aka moron+beast)

Dear Ambassador Tavita Morgan, Hattori Hanzou (of the Azuma ninja) and whoever else was at Char's Birthday Party. I hereby formally request that you delete the footage you took of me being drunk guy. With my powers in magic I have bound your honour to this request. Don't risk it, I lost my honour once when I was 12, not a nice feeling knowing you'll never be Samurai again. It is possible to regain your honour, but it takes a hell of a lot of effort, usually involves fighting for the good guys, but then changing sides and fighting against your old friends with the bad guys, but then, when the odds seemed stacked impossibly against the good guys, you change sides again and defend your old friends.

However, Its actually quite hard not to die in the process a la Darth Vader or Boromir of Gondor. Tom Cruise did it though in Last Samurai, remember he killed all those Native American kids (BAD) but then he taught the Japanese army how to use guns to kill the samurais(BADDER), but then the samurais captured him and he became one of them (GOOD)but then he got released and went back to the army (BAD) but then samurai leader was captured and Tommy lead a team to release him and them helped them fight a big battle to the death (GOOD AND HONOURABLE FOREVER GLORY BUT NOT AS GOOD AS BOROMIR OF GONDOR WHO IS THE BEST)

Superman Returns 3D... Wow...

Man I can talks some shit, I love it... and hate it...

hate it or love it the underdogs on FINISH!

fa.

*Appendix A footnote thingy
Here's a small lesson in urban Samoan slang:
English slang words for drunkeness become increasingly violent in relation to a higher level of drunkeness being described. (Tipsy, 'on my way', drunk, legeless, trashed, smashed, hammered, fucked, coma'd) The same can be said for urban Samoan slang for drunkeness slang.

'faga' (pronounced like the 'hunga' part of 'Onehunga' if it was 'OneFunga') translates to 'gun' in English. Used as a slang word for drunkeness, faga is roughly the equivelant of 'trashed', so you could say "He was Faga'd dude" ('He was Gunned dude')

'faga malaga' - This phrase doesnt make any literal sense but is more of a 'rhyming slang', the addition of 'malaga' increases the level of drunkeness described by the word 'faga' by a factor of 3 (hehe 'factor of'). Literal translation of faga malaga is 'gun journey', a phrase which can also be used to describe a long night of drunkeness.
"Nah dude, he wasn't just Faga'd, he was Faga Malaga'd!"
"Yeah man we went on the gun journey last night, got sooo faga'd"

kelepe'd - This is the superlative adjective slang word for drunkeness, the extreme point of reference, the most drunk you can be. Translates to smash or slam. Mostly used when someone gets 'stupid drunk'.
"Sorry bout the other night guys, but you have to understand, I wasn't just drunk, like druuunk, I was kelepe'd"

Finish.

2006-07-26T20:32:00.000-07:00

Generation C... great... another god damn demographic.

Next time some angry musclehead comes up to you and says:

"You frikkin pod casting, online blogging, digital film and music making, Youtube uploading, Amazon book reviewing, online date making, Bluetooth connecting, DVD burning, imdb movie rating, e-bay bidding, quirky e-mail address owning, massively multiplayer online game playing, peer-to-peer file sharing, digital photograph taking, X-Box chipping, Skype video phone calling, MSN messaging, ipod owning, live video stream watching, photo editing, MP3 downloading, MySpace webpage son of a snitch!!

Just throw your set in the air:
"Generation C bitch, and what?!"

"Generation C" is the name some marketing dudes has given to today's creative net and tech savvy masses. Technology over the last 10 years has advanced to such a stage that the internet is living up to its potential and truly making the world a smaller place.

For example, The Sugarhill Gang's 1979 classic "Rapper's delight" took a full year to reach New Zealand Shores. American movies as well used to be delayed by months before being screened overseas. Nowadays, due to P2P file sharing [read: Piracy] musicians and moviemakers alike have been forced to set worldwide release dates.

In this day and age, if you really wanted to, you can video call your mate in Azerbaijan, whilst uploading your short film [which was scored by your 16 year old beat maker cousin in Cincinnati] to be critiqued by French new wave experts in the Ivory Coast, and at the same time download a whole new continent for World of Warcraft from a Korean WoW server.

What does the C stand for? There's no real consensus on it, so lets just say it stands for C-Rock. That's right, me, Generation C-Rock. Some others may tell you that it means 'Creative' (Modern technology provides a perfect breeding ground for Creative's who now stand on even terrain in terms of getting their work 'out there', like that Lilly Allen chick that sings 'Smile' who, against the studio execs wishes, first became famous by live streaming her songs on her MySpace web page long before her album was released, or that 14 year old new york filmmaker who took out an online short film comp open to professionals) or 'Culture, or 'Communication' or 'Community'.

Art and Technology experts are hoping that this generation will lead the world to a second renaissance, where every culture in the world will embrace and be inspired by every other culture in the world, in turn creating a flourish of new artistic and scientific endeavours. If that is true, then somewhere soon, a new and improved modern day Leonardo Da Vinci, or Brunelleschi, or Michelangelo is about to be unleashed upon a MySpace site or PS3 game near you. What if this was the Dark Ages, and one of these guys took the world to the next level, imagine the possibilities... Hover boards here we come! Yes!

All this renaissance shit is besides the point. I hate being categorized by marketing bastids, because whenever a new demographic is created and suddenly becomes 'marketable' (Like 'Generation X' or 'Tweens' or 'Nesters') you just know that someone is using it to make megabucks, and it aint me. I can see how it make's sense in marketing terms, like you're not going to advertise "Depend" during "The L word", because adult diapers are aimed at the 50-75 year old demographic, not the gay 18 - 35's (or the male 14 - 100 haha), just the same as your not gonna be a sicko and advertise the video eXpo megastore during Pokemon, you want to advertise direct to your market blah blah blah schmaketty all I want to know is, where's my cut?!

Their T.V advertising brainwashes me into buying stupid stuff with its fast paced animation, hip-hop music, celebrity endorsements and catchy slogans, but I get nothing in return? Me and my demographic made you [insert major corporation name here]!!!! They used our demographic, and they didn't even ask our permission! Fuck em, I'm going to write to every company I have ever purchased goods from and threaten to boycott their products if they don't give me a percentage of any money made from marketing direct to any demographic I belong to, hahaha muhuhahahaha! And if they don't agree, well, then I will be plain clothes 'no labels' guy, small price to pay for a principle I believe is true and just.

The irony is, there is probably already a demographic for non conformist non label wearing 20 - 35 year old Samoan males, and the little Philipino factories that make my 'no labels' clothing is probably owned by Nike anyway!

Damn it!! Lets not let them use Generation C like this guys, who's with me? Its REVOLUTION TIME!!! If we all get pissed off, rise up and take a stand, DAMN!!! I don't even know what would happen!* Come on!! let's do it. Who's with me?
WHO'S WITH ME?!!!!

RANDOM VOICE IN THE CROWD: "Hey C-Rock why don't you just shut your trap for once you stupid fuckin asshole!! Non conformist my ass!"

... ... ...

(sob) Oh god he's right... Who am I kidding, I'm no activist. I mean come ON, non conformist? I don't even know what that means! I... I assume it has something to do with comfort but I'm not 100% on that. You know... I just kinda write about stuff I read, like that 'no labels' carry on? The irony? Yeah that's all in a book... I didn't even read it either, just saw a review on the good morning show once... And the whole, "get angry at the Machine of Corporation" Generation C rally cry... I just finished reading about Che Guevara on Wikipedia while listening to a Public Enemy song about Malcolm X... so yeah was kinda feelin it, but I'm no revolutionary, I'm just a dude with a beard sitting in a fuckin cubicle...

Yeah...

Generation C...

Way of the future...

Fa.

* Today I asked the internet a question

Q. Internet, what would happen if Generation C got pissed off, rose up and took a stand?

A. C-Rock, your question should not be 'what would happen if GENERATION C took a stand'. You should be more worried about what would happen if I get pissed off, if I rose up and if I took a stand against YOU...

DUN DUN DUNNNNNN!!!!

2006-07-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

Who else is listening?

This might be the kind of thing you can only do when you're stoned, but try it anyway!

Put a Tape, a CD or a Record in the Stereo, or open a music file on your laptop, PC or iPod.

Press play...

What song did you choose?

Ever wondered if there were some other people, somewhere else in the world, listening to the same song as you at the exact the same time? (Radio doesn't count) There are 6.6 Billion (6,600,000,000) people in the world, so those are pretty good odds that this kind of coincidence happens all the time.

Ever thought about what the other guys listening to the same song as you are up to? Think of scenario's for them, then imagine you all singing along to the same song in your different parts of the world. Congratulations! You've just made your own musical montage! (They're really popular on television these days, especially in Grey's Anatomy and Lost (Oh yeah and car commercials), where they play a (usually Coldplay sounding) song, and cut between the different characters in slow motion. Also, in that movie Magnolia, there's a great scene before the raining frog climax (And Tommy Cruise' crying over fathers deathbed scene) where the camera revolves around each of the main characters as they sing 'Wise Up' by Aimee Mann, its great stuff, love that scene.)

Here's an example I made up the other day.
In the car on the way home from work I played that Tony Rich slow-jam called 'Nobody knows it but me' (Don't ask me why, everyone knows that me and slow-jams have never really got along. And even though our relationship may have improved somewhat post 'Slow-Jam City', we still don't see completely eye to eye. But I do like this song, so I played it...) and at the same time:

In the Mediterranean Sea, off the coast of the Balearic Islands, Kingdom of Spain:
Marcelo loads a CD into a $30,000 sound system then turns and watches his 'hopefully soon to be' father in law, the Billionaire Eduardo Verbeke, as he entertains his (mostly female) guests aboard his luxury launch. He despises the old man. Ever since the youngest Verbeke daughter Natalia introduced him to her father, Marcelo could count on one hand the number of times the Billionaire has spoken more than six words to him. The Daughters of a Media Mogul should be married off to Princes, Sports Stars, Celeb's, not office workers from La Rioja.

Dressed in the best suit $500 can buy, he feels impossibly outclassed by the Spanish aristocracy surrounding him. Sick of watching his lady love dancing with her father, Marcelo sits alone sipping his Bacardi Dry and chatting with the bartender and waiting staff, real people he can relate to. About an hour later, a scream goes up, followed by raised, panicked voices. One of the guests has collapsed and fallen overboard drowning, it's Natalia, and she is being dragged under and away. The other guests watch helpless as Eduardo gestures desperate for someone to save his Daughter, "$10,000 to the person who saves her!" but the excuses come thick and fast "I can't swim" "This is a new dress" "It's freezing in there!" "I only Doggie paddle". Marcelo dives in without thinking and swims towards his unconscious partner. He dives under, grabbing her, and feels a life preserver, thrown in by the bartender, land next to him. Holding onto it they are pulled aboard by the skipper and waiters. Laying her on the deck Marcelo begins CPR (Which he had to learn as part of an office middle management course, of course) 30 heart pumps, 2 breaths, 30 heart pumps, 2 breaths, 30 heart pumps...
And in the background, past the sound of his racing heart, past the cries and prayers of the onlookers...
Marcelo hears a sad slow song by Tony Rich.

"Wish I told her how I feel,
Maybe she'd be here right now
but instead..."

In Gijeong-Dong North Korea:
Kang, a veteran of the Korean People's Army, puzzles over a walkman he confiscated last night from a South Korean soldier who, accidentally, stumbled into enemy territory. With his gun pointed at the soldiers face, Kang realises that the man before him is young enough to be his son, so in an act of treason he releases him in return for his walkman, his sidearm, and his silence. Patrolling the border alone, smoking a cigarette, Kang commits another act of treason, one punishable by death (For all western culture is forbidden in the North), he presses play...
And hears Tony Rich...

"I pretend that I'm glad you went away
These four walls closing more everyday"

In Brisbane, Australia:
Amanda sits alone in a tacky 60's themed restaurant and orders a cheeseburger and vanilla milkshake. Bored of waiting, she puts a coin into the Wurlitzer jukebox and randomly enters track 'J-14' without looking at the song list. Her order arrives as the record begins to play. Hearing the words, she begins to weep, and laments for the husband she lost 2 years ago to the day. Amanda sings the song, and remembers that it was playing the day her husband died, they argued over an $11 charge on their phone bill, and that was the last time they spoke.
She sings the Tony Rich song

"And I'm missing you
and nobody knows it but me"

Middle America:
Casper sits in his dark room nursing a black eye and three cigarette burns after his second beating of the day. The first dished out by the fuckin jocks at High School (While the slut cheerleader bitches watched and laughed), the second by his Dad, pissed off that he didn't stand up for himself and be a man for once. He feels the urge to listen to Eminem again, or Nirvana or Korn, then he remembers that his alcoholic pill popping pseudo-Christian mother threw out all of his ("devils music!") CD's a month ago. Just another average day in the life of Casper Cole. He flips his bed over in frustration. Under his bed, next to the collection of Penthouse Black Label he sees a blank CD, the only music left in the house. Probably a stupid poppy compilation his over-achieving little sister made for him, but its better than nothing. He puts it in his Discman and presses play with tears of rage in his eyes. He's never heard the song before in his life, a slow love song, a sad song, not usually his thing. But at this moment in time it calms him like no other song has before, and it speaks to him giving his life purpose, but not one the song might suggest. He knows now what he has to do...

He's gonna steal his daddy's gun.

Casper closes his eyes and continues listening to Tony Rich sing...

"Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me"

Montego Bay, Jamaica:
The siblings Portia (10) and Kenny (8) sit on a beach, they have just figured out how to work the purple iPod that Kenny has deftly stolen from a too trusting Canadian tourist, they have an earphone each. Portia wants to sell it to their cousin 'Di Gangsta', to make more money than their parents make in a week, but first Kenny wants to listen to every song on it, besides he stole it so he'll do what he wants with it. They are up to Song 16 of 530. Portia fishes in her pocket and brings out 2 sweets she purchased with a coin she found on the street. She gives one to her brother and they sit watching the waves and the full Moon rising before them. Track 17 plays, they listen to Tony Rich.

"I carry a smile when I'm broken in two
And I'm nobody without someone like you"

And then the remarkable coincidence occurs. At different points of the globe, (Even though it may be the first time they've heard the song, and even though it may be sung in a language foreign to them) six strangers sing the final chorus in harmonic unison...

"The nights are so lonely the days are so sad, and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you And nobody knows it but me"
The song ends.

And then...

In Auckland New Zealand:
I go home, shower, watch telly, smoke a ciggy, read a book then go to sleep

In the Mediterranean Sea, off the coast of the Balearic Islands, Kingdom of Spain:
30 heart pumps, 2 breaths, its not enough, 30 heart pumps, 2 breaths, its not enough, she's going to die, 30 heart pumps, 2 breaths, its not enough, she's going to die, its over...
Macelo hears a deafening primal scream as he holds Natalia's cold body in his arms, under the circumstances the sound does not frighten him. He becomes afraid when he realises the scream is coming from inside him and he can't stop it. He doesn't recall how long the scream lasted before he passed out.
Tragedy struck the Verbeke family that night, not only did the youngest daughter Natalia drown, but Eduardo, the Patriarch of the family and one of Europe's most powerful men died of a broken heart. After the Funeral services, Marcelo, depressed and so alone, is called into a Lawyers office in Madrid. In his Will, the Billionaire left him 5% of his incredible estate with which he was to provide for Natalia, with love, until the end of her days. Marcelo gives it all to Charity and still works in an office in La Rioja.

In Gijeong-Dong North Korea:
Kang, who has honourably fought in four wars and countless battles for his country, is held at gunpoint by his commanding officer who is 15 years his junior with no battle experience. He is interrogated over the sidearm and the walkman. Kang, who has never disobeyed a direct order in his life (Even when it was to fire upon innocents), comes clean and tells them the truth about the Southern Soldier he let live. He is court-marshalled and sentenced to death as a spy and Southern sympathiser. He doesn't regret his decision that night, and sometimes wakes up humming the sad foreign song. On the day of his execution he stands tall and proud, knowing that he has been a faithful loyal soldier of Peoples Army of Korea. He is asked if he has any last words and he replies...

"Hail to the Peoples Republic of Korea! Long live our Fearless Leader Kim Jong-il!!"

He thinks of his son.

Then he hears gunfire.

In Brisbane, Australia:
It is only when the song ends and she composes herself, that it occurs to Amanda how strange it was for a modern slow jam to play from a jukebox filled with songs of the 60's. On a whim, she goes back to the Wurlitzer and plays J-14 again. The record resets itself, and the laid back sound of Sloop John B by The Beach Boys begins to play. She smiles, knowing that she had just received a love letter from her Husband in a song.

In Middle America:
Casper wakes early and creeps into the garage where his fathers Remington 870 shotgun is kept in the unused Jeep Cherokee. He takes the gun and a box of shells, then walks to his parents room where he sits and waits for them to rise. His father wakes first...
"Casper? What the hell are you doing in here? Is that my Remington?!!"
Casper raises the shotgun
"What are you gonna do boy, shoot me? Bullshit, you're too fuckin pansy-ass to pull the trigger! Now you listen here, you got 5 seconds to drop the weapon you godamn little faggo..."
A shotgun round blasts through his skull. Caspers mother rises, startled by the gunshot but still drowsy from the 4 sleeping pills she takes each night. Casper thinks about the hundreds of beatings he's received his whole life from his asshole of a father, and how she never said one word to stop it. He shoots her in the chest, then turns to leave the room. His little sister is standing at the door wide eyed. He points the shotgun at her, she looks at him and smiles...
"You killed them, both of them?!"
Casper nods, then his sister walks into the room, spits on then starts kicking her fathers body.

"And you deserve it you sick fucker!! Never! Touch me! Again! I hope you burn in hell!!"
Casper lowers the gun and waits for her to calm down...
"What are you going to do now Casper?"
"I'm gonna go to school"

Casper kills seven more people that day (five jocks, a cheerleader and a teacher that got in the way) before turning the gun on himself. When the major news media gets a hold of the story, they start a blame-laying campaign on behalf of the victims' angry parents. Violent videogames, heavy metal, punk and goth culture, gangster rap, horror movies and the internet all become scapegoats for the tragedy. Not once will they mention the daily bullying at school, or the physical and mental abuse that Casper Cole received at home. Nor will they mention the gun control laws (or lack thereof) in the state, or the school counsellor who stopped taking Caspers appointments, or the High School that failed the community by turning a blind eye to a tortured young man. In time, when the initial shock and grief of the situation fade, a handful of independent reports will tell these stories (including an hour long 60 minutes interview with Caspers over achieving little sister who defends him to the end. "Those bastards had it coming!" she is famously quoted). But no interview or article will ever disclose that the last straw, the tipping of the scales, was the slow sad love song called 'Nobody knows it but me'.

In Montego Bay, Jamaica:
The iPod gets up to song 42 of 530 before the batteries runs out.
"You got spare badderies for dis ting Kenny?"
"It don take no badderies, needs a baddery re-charger"
"Chu gedda baddery re-charger den?"
"Whachu mean 'gedda re-charger den?' I stole de radio, nearly got caught too, whatchu think I'm a master tief or someting?"
"Whasda good in havin de radio you cant hear no riddims commin outcha speaker? May as well leave it pon di river for di fishermen ta use as dey a lure. Wortless!"
"Juss chill Portia, everyting gonna be irie, I'll look for dat same yankee man inna mornin an getcha dam re-charger. But we still listen to every song on dere before ya sell it to our cousin Di Gangsta"
"Sell wha ta me?"
The imposing dreadlocked figure of their cousin 'Di Gangsta' (24) appears behind them.
"..."
"..."
"Kenny found dis radio pon da beach down dere. Its got five hundred songs, looks like brand new, but we aint got no re-charger"
"Pon da beach huh Kenny?"
".. Yeah, jus down dere!"
"Why I wanna buy a radio aint got not power? Lemme see dat ting"
He examines the iPod and for a second his eyes light up, but he catches himself and reverts to his normal cool charisma.
"Yah dis is one of dem old models, probly come out 5 years ago? Aint nobody gonna wanna buy dis old ting, specially widdout no re-charger. But listen, I'm happy you thought bout your cousin Di Gangsta, so I'll take it off your hands and try sell it for you huh? I'll give you all di money I get for it, how's dat sound?"
Portia looks at Kenny, who seems to approve.
"O.K, but you better give us all di money!"
"Trust me! Now you two getcha hides back home, its past midnight, you're mudders been lookin for ya for an hour now"

The children run home. They talk all night about what they will do with the cash they get from the iPods sale. A week later they visit the market with their mother, they pass a few stalls and then, amongst the hustle and bustle noises of the market, they hear someone singing a strangely familiar tune which draws the children in. The tune is coming from a dark corner of the food hall, where their drunk cousin 'Di Gangsta' smokes ganja whilst listening to a purple iPod, and singing along to track 10.
Portia and Kenny never see a cent.

Eyeeeah crime doesnt pay kids! And winners dont do drugs! Man, parts of this tale got really dark really quick huh? Bit more graphic than the usual comic fare I send out, but hey, life can't be all red wine and wontons right? Haha "Marcelo", "Eduardo", "Natalia", sounds like bloody mills and boon, what was I thinking?! Maybe Natalia would have lived if Marcelo didnt stop CPR half way to sing a song the silly Spaniard.

But anyway...

Check you later! Check you later!
C

2006-07-26T19:33:00.000-07:00

Thoughts on Chinese philosophy which turns into a big list of random stuff, then into a story about a story...

"Zhuangzi dreamed he was a butterfly"

One day Zhuangzi dreamed he was a beautiful butterfly flying free. When he woke, he wondered how he could determine whether he was Zhuangzi who had just finished dreaming he was a butterfly, or a butterfly, who had just started dreaming he was Zhuangzi.

This would be my favourite Chinese Philisopholophosical idiom ever. I first heard it from a dude I worked with called Jack Sheppard (One of those names where you have to say the surname too, otherwise the world will end or something. ), up there with coolest brainiest dudes I've met, its not often I meet people that I'd admit are BOTH (slightly) cooler and smarter than, well, MEEE. So when I do, and they tell me cool Chinese Philisopholophosical idiom's I tend to drop them into conversations, or freestyle raps, or, you know, flirtations with the girl at KFC, as if I made them up myself, but this time I'll give credit where credit's due.
(Other Jack Sheppardism's I use are "Cool and old school", something I picked up when I went to his flat to play counter strike once and he chose the player name SirFraggalot (or something like that.) because it was the default player name of the original beta version of counterstrike that was released, which made it "Cool and old school".

Also, once he told me about Mandarin, how it is a syllable timed, tone based language so you could say "Xiao" in five different tones and it would mean five different things. I like to drop that little gem whenever someone talks about the Chinese language, or when I'm watching a subtitled Chinese movie with someone, or whenever there's an uncomfortable pause in a conversation, for instance:

C-ROCK: So anyway for lunch I got this steaklet which is like a meat patty covered in batter, oh man it was
JESSICA: I'm pregnant.
C-ROCK: ... ...
JESSICA: ... ...
C-ROCK: ... but we've never even...
JESSICA: ...
C-ROCK: ... done it...
JESSICA: ... ...
C-ROCK: Oh...
JESSICA: ... C-Rock I'm sor
C-ROCK: Did... Did you know that Mandarin is a syllable timed (as opposed to English being stress timed) tone based language, so for instance, you could say "Xiao" like 'sheeyaO' or 'shiyAo' and it would mean two different things, depending on the ummmm
JESSICA: ... ...
C-ROCK: ... toooone ... yeah... Sometimes its even like totally opposite meanings too... guess you needa watch what you say if you ever learn Mandarin hehe... he...)

I'm convinced that "Zhuangzi dreamed he was a butterfly" was "The Matrix" of its time, because everybody knows that back in the day Movies were called Books, and Sci-fi was called Philosophy. Seeing as Zhuangzi wrote a Philosophy book, we can safely say that it was actually a Sci-Fi movie about a man questioning his reality.

It's a cool thing to think about when you wake up from a dream. "Am I C-Rock, who has just finished dreaming that I was the 13 year old C-Rock (walking through a girls school being really popular skuks guy, but too ashamed to talk to any of the girls, teachers and lunch ladies flirting their asses off to him, because all his teeth have fallen out, he has lost his shoe and smells far too strongly of seaweed.)? Or am I the 13 year old C-Rock (he was a great kid), just starting to dream that I am 25 year old C-Rock?"

I know for a fact that the 13 year old me would wake from a dream of my average working day thinking "Stink dream". Three snoozes before waking up late, catching the bus with the hoi polloi, surfing the net in between phone calls and eating my subsidised canteen lunch doesn't really compare to knife fighting vampires, living in a dark city of super humans or surfing tsunami's. However 13 year old me would probably be amazed at the speed of the work internet connection, the PSP I'm borrowing from me mate and the MP3 phones that the school kids on my bus like to blast Zipso (with the flow) from every morning.

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT (even for a second) that maybe your life is just a ultra complex, labyrinthine (lol 'labyrinthine', I looked that word up on dictionary.com, fuck... I used 'lol', I hate using 'lol') version of the Truman Show? That everything you know that has ever existed was created for some alien deity's viewing pleasure, and you're the main character? That all History before you were born never actually happened, it was all written/created/crafted as back-story to your story? And everything that has happened in the world since was scripted for the sole reason of making you react? And I mean ALL history.

(Here is just a fraction of a fraction of what has been written for you so far, if this HISstory was YOURstory: The Beatles, Neil Armstrong, Mescalin, Nintendo, Maori Land wars, Catherine of Aragon, Joan of Arc, Guy Fawkes, September 11, Hiroshima, Silmido, Samurai's, Football, Nike, Gogo Yubari, Starbucks, Alpha Centauri, Walt Disney, Pharoahs, The Trojan War, Punk Rockers, Hip-Hop, Bonnie and Clyde, Donatella Versace, Sci-fi, Time travel, Ghosts, The State of Origin, Shaman's, Cowboys, Cherokee, Bruce Lee, Jet Lee, Stan Lee, Jim Lee, Zeus, Thor, Dream of the Endless, Little Red Riding Hood, The Vietnam War, The Bahavatgita, Frau Totenkinder, Norah Jones, Wolverine, Thee Michelle Gun Elephant, Kodak, The Imperial March, Communism, Anarchism, Despotism, Neo-McCarthyism, Aurora Australis, Bugs Bunny, Welcome to Jam Rock, Andre the Giant, Random Access Memory, Spinning classes, The Model T Ford, The Riddle of the Sphinx, 2pac, The Lone Ranger, SpongeBob Squarepants, Stephen King, Orpheus, Napster, Wall Street, Cheerleaders, Ballet, Grease 2, Chatrooms, Geisha girls, Saber Rider, Monkeys in Space, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Muppets, Shadow puppets, Opera, The Highwayman, Led Zepplin, Kool DJ Herc, The Bible, Magic: The Gathering, Count Dracula, Pikachu, Elvis Priestly, Picasso, Gilgamesh, Coca-Cola, Bahumat, Gandalf, The Koran, Beethoven, Ninja Scroll, World of Warcraft, The Alamo, Inigo Mantoya, Clint Eastwood, Oprah, Atvomat Kalashnikova 1947, The Korean War, Krishna, Michael Jackson's Moonwalk, Bloods and Crips, Credit Cards, Legend of Zelda, The Tomatina Festival, Sherlock Holmes, John Wayne, Vitaly Yurchenko, LOST, Bull fighting, Marvin Gaye, Vegetarianism, Shakespeare, A Clockwork Orange, Jean-Michel Basquiat, Motown Records, Al Capone, The Civil Rights movement, The Red Hot Chilli Peppers, The Berlin Wall, Star Signs, Darth Vader, Shiva, Kurt Cobain, Vicky Vale, Aparteid, Shaka Zulu, Alien Abductions, Pong, Tony Montana, Ziggy Stardust, Voodoo, Sai Baba, N.W.A, Eisensteinian Montage, Hitler, Aristotle, Mutant Metaphysics, Once upon a time in the West, The Godfather, Titanic, Godzilla vs. MechaGodzilla, The Chinese Cultural Revolution, Voltron, Jakie Chan, Power Rangers, Gondor Rangers, Walker Texas Ranger, Stranger Danger, Ride of the Valkyries, Guerilla Warfare, Cypress Hill, Elfkind, Sushi, Harry Potter, Megatron, Whale Songs, Metallurgy, Currency, F-16 Fighting Falcon, Anne Frank, Grand Theft Auto, Trance, Witch Hunts, Tetris, The Saint of Killers, Werewolves, 808 State, Michelangelo, Jazz, Pythagarus theory, the Sistine Chapel, Compulsory conscription, Nightmare's on Wax, The Sword in the Stone, Rosa Parks, Vampire Hunter D, Ray Sefo, Albert Einstein, Amazon.com, Thelonious Monk, Schindler's List, Neon Genesis Evangelion, G.I Joe, Homer Simpson, Ode to Joy, Microsoft, The Battle of Marathon, The Battle of Evermore, The Battle of Chaeronea, The Battle of Los Angeles, The Battle of Kharkov, The Battle of Gettysburg, The Battle of Buna-Gona, The Battle of Granicus, The Battle of Stirling Bridge, The Battle of les Tourelles, The Battle of Endor, The Battle of Helms Deep, The Battle of Kar Dathra's Gate.)

Ever thought: what if some, 'other', creates whole universes/realities in his spare time (like it took this dude only 10 minutes to think of the entire history of our universe from begining to end, every invention, every animal, vegetable, mineral, molecule, and every story ever told in every language ever) and keeps them (Universes) in a little crystal sphere's so his peeps can lay bets on the main character of the universe (that's you). His mates would only be told a brief history of the universe and the human race, Earths Flora and Fauna, the main characters strengths, weaknesses, personality traits, possible futures etc. When that's over they can lay bets on... anything really, like which religion will you choose, what age will you get married, what career will you take (religion, marriage would need to be explained, as these are human concepts, obviously) And then when all bets are down, the creator 'other' guy jump starts the universe at the point of your birth and they all watch the crystal sphere as the future unfolds. And what if you figured all this out somehow, and jumped out of the universe into their world which is like a dark sky that you float around in and you think you've won, that you've out thought and beaten this alien creator guy and you want him to pay, but when you fly over and confront him, its like he's expecting you.

OTHER CREATOR: "Hello [your full name here]"
You recognise its face immediately, and many things become clear.
YOU: "I should have known... Ronald..."
The 'other' is a giant nightmare image of Ronald McDonald. You notice that the death pale face, grotesque red lips, hair like crimson flames, glowing eyes and oversized feet are all make-up of a sort, not cosmetic though... genetic. (Dun dun dun!!) He comes close and you see that the yellow glow from his eyes actually eminate from his pupils, pupils shaped like the Golden Arches (Dun Dun dundundunDUNNN!!!) His voice booms

RONALD: I see the intricacies of my little, 'in joke', for your world are not lost on you.
YOU: Are you kidding me Ron? The Golden Arches is only THE most recognised symbol in the world. Lemme guess you're responsible for clowns too?
RONALD: I am responsible for everything you know... And my real name, in your human tongue, is Ronahadalma Kadonahalod
YOU: Try saying that ten times quickly... I've always hated clowns.
RONALD: Clowns? Why hate them when they bring such joy?
YOU: Did John Wayne Gacy bring joy to the 29 boys he buried under his floorboards? And what about Pennywise the clown who has terrorises the town of Derry, Maine every 27 years?
RONALD: You are a smart one I see. You seem know your history, so answer me this [your name here], in ancient pantomime, the clowns make up was applied only actors playing the part of... whom?
YOU: ...The Devil.
RONALD: Correct, the Christian devil, one of my favourite creations. I know what you're thinking and you are correct. I created clowns in my image to paint myself in a positive light. Not only clowns though, Harlequins, Court Jesters, Mimes, Magicians, Kabuki actors, Geisha's, Sports mascots and of course your beloved Ronald MacDonald are all positive manifestations of, yours truly....
YOU: Ronald. MacDonald... Christ, do you know how many unhappy obese people you've helped to create?
RONALD: Why yes, one hundred and thirteen million seven hundred and forty two thousand six hundred and two.
YOU: Oh... Go on then...
RONALD: I am not the liar you think I am [your name here], for I know that there are two sides to every mirror, that every God must have a Devil, and every ray of light must cast a shadow. I'm ALL about balance. Which is why, for every Bobo the Happy Slappy Birthday Clown, there is a Pennywise, or a John Wayne Gacy, or a Joker, or a Doink, or an angry young Goth.
YOU: Seems like a lot of fuckin work seeing as no-one knows you exist.
RONALD: Not at all, in fact, I've spent more time talking to you than I ever spent creating your entire, universe.
YOU: So.. you... you're, God?
RONALD: Muhuhahahaha! Far from it child, belief in 'Gods', religion, these are just mass crowd controls I put in place on your little blue planet. It makes for far more, 'interesting' viewing.
YOU: So you're telling me all the Gods don't even exist?!
RONALD: Oh they exist alright, every one of them I created myself. They watch you all from above and have a certain amount of influence on their followers, but they don't know that I watch THEM from above. You see they are all part of my ultimate plan for your universe.
YOU: Which is?
RONALD: Armageddon, Apocalypse, Judgement Day, Ragnarok, Shiva's Destruction, there are many names for it, take your pick.
YOU: You're going to destroy the world?!
RONALD: Don't act so surprised [your name here], you knew it was coming, in your heart, you knew. First of all, the Gods have been saying for centuries that this was coming, that was your first clue. More recently, The Wars, Famines, Natural Disasters all occurring at an increasing rate, you knew what was happening, and that's what led you to me.Yes your world is on a timeline and its about to end.
YOU: What?! You're just going destroy it?! Why?!
RONALD: It bores me. We have been watching you your whole life [your name here]. You are the only being in your world who has had absolute free will, everyone else was just walking the path I laid for them a long time ago. You could have been anything you wanted to be, but frankly speaking, you haven't exactly set the ratings on fire have you?
YOU: Why tell me this?! What do you want with me?!
RONALD: Well, all of you get a chance. It's quite simple really...

Ronahadalma Kadonahalod raises a clawed hand and a glowing sphere appears floating above it, within the sphere many stars, no, not stars, whole galaxies sparkle.

RONALD: This is your world, your universe, your reality entire. In 600 days I will end it, no pain, no suffering, just end.
YOU: My God... it's... Beautiful... ... ... what did you mean by "All of you"?
RONALD: You didn't think you were the only one did you? Open your eyes... look to La Luna...

For the first time you look skyward and see spheres glowing in all directions like a firefly ballet. You suddenly feel small, insignificant, and not up to Ronald's task, whatever it may be.

YOU: How... how many?
RONALD: A billion billion, maybe more. Every one, vastly different from the next. Within each lives a single free soul like yourself who we monitor for our entertainment and who, ultimately, will be given this chance...
YOU: A chance at what?
RONALD: A chance to save your world of course! Your actions will decide how I treat this universe, whether I become Juju the happy magic clown...

He flashes his razor fangs at you...

RONALD: Or Pennywise...
YOU: ... fuck...
RONALD: I shall give you a task, if you succeed, the timeline extends. Should you fail, your world ends now. If you choose not to take this task, then... well, you have 600 days to make your peace with the world. What will you do [your name here]?
YOU: Like I have a choice...
RONALD: There is always a choice.
YOU: Just give it to me straight Ronnie, what do I do?
RONALD: ... You speak. That is all. Tell me why this, [holds up sphere] is worth saving. If I am unimpressed, I'll make a fist and crush your existence in the palm of my hand. Your time starts now, you have 600 days. Speak for your people [your name here]. Speak... Speak and save the world...

For the first 100 days you stare down the giant saying nothing, tireless. What can you possibly say that he doesn't already know? How do you impress the one who wrote or inspired every speech, book, movie, poem, song and sonnet ever? How can you convince him that the world is worth saving if he has already made up his mind. You go through all possible scenarios in your head: Do you try flattery? that gets you no-where. Trickery? Reverse Psychology? ummm no, he invented those remember? It occurs to you that he has given you an impossible task, nothing you ever say about your world will impress him enough to change his mind. You look into the great Golden arches gleaming before you, and Despair whispers her cold nothings in your ear.

Then he speaks...

RONALD: You have 500 days left. Every moment you stay silent, your world falls closer to Chaos. I can hear the Angels of Heaven prepare for the last battle. I see Shiva woken from slumber, soon to perform her dance of destruction. I can feel the hatred of Loki, and the bloodlust of Thor, they face each other now at the end of the world. Remain silent [your name here], and I leave these Gods to do my work for me. They stop dead in their tracks when you begin.

Then you speak...

Where the words came from you'll never know. The first was the hardest. You never imagined uttering a single word would be the most difficult thing you ever do. With the weight on the world on your shoulders, you knew that once you started there was no turning back. When you were told of the God's preparing to end it all, it did not have the desired effect. It was supposed to be his Ace, his trump card, a threat that would scare you into action. Instead it empowered you. For, in a way, you had control over the Gods, the choirs of Angels and the Host of Asgard, what was there to fear? So you spoke out. You didn't beg, you didn't bluff, you didn't flatter or guilt trip, you told him nothing he already knew..

You told a story...

Because being the only person in the universe with free will has its perks. For one, the King of all Clowns can never read your thoughts, he's ALL about balance after all. How do you impress someone who has written every story ever? Tell them a story they've never heard.

And what a story you told. An epic. Soon the glowing spheres flying overhead gather around you, for such was your tale, that every other universe wanted to listen. Eons from now spheres will gather again, and unanimously agree, that yours is the greatest story told in a billion, billion worlds.

It takes you 500 days to tell. At last you breathe the fateful last words "The End". The King of all Clowns (Who for 500 days has listened intently, emotionless, holding your world in his hand) sheds a single golden tear.
RONALD: Well done...

Then the world falls away from you, the firefly ballet fades, along with the memory of the entire ordeal. Sleep takes you.

You awake, of course, to the sound of your alarm. Rising from bed, you try to remember the strange dream you just had without success. You go about your morning routine with a slight skip in your step because (Though you remember nothing of it) inside you know, that you have just saved the universe. On the trip to work you tell yourself how beautiful the world looks today, the sky so big and blue, the trees so alive. Then you pass it (because everyone passes one on the way to work)... McDonalds... You see the Golden Arches and a shiver runs up your spine.

eyeah...

hehe, sorry kinda went off on a tangent there... got a bit deeper than I thought it would haha...
but yea, have you ever had that thought?

No?

nah neither.

Wow lists of random stuff are cool! Everyone should do one! Just follow your chain of thought man...

finis.

2006-07-26T19:15:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you guys...

But I miss Middle Earth...
Go ahead, call me a Lord of the Rings fanboy (I dare you, see this fist? Hmm? Do you see it? It's pretty fuckin powerful, I could wipe out K1 fighters with a mere 8% finger flick.) but no other movies have given me the same sense of Magic and escapism than Peter Jacksons beloved trilogy (more than likely none ever will, its a shame, have I seen the best movies of my lifetime already? Quite possibly, but seeing as I don't plan on dying for another 16, 17 hundred years, anything can happen. They might do a remake in 2403. Actually, the way technology is moving now, in another 60 years we'll have realistic virtual reality technology like on lawnmower man or Minority Report (just better graphics). However, 5 years after that, virtual reality will be outlawed in every country but Neo Amsterdam. This will be due to all the 'VR junkies', dudes who can't stand life outside of Sin City, or Ancient Greece or Narnia or San Andreas or wherever else your reality of choice takes you. This will lead to a hardcore black market for it, which will be run byyyyyyyyyyyyyy yours truly. Me and my army of Robosapiens. That's my 60 year plan, none of this "Buy a house, start a family" shit, not my style. All conquering Robosapien army? That's more like it! Its the way of the future. The way of future. The way of the future... The way of the future.... The way of the future. )

For 3 hours at a time I was in Middle Earth, it really was like Virtual Reality, I was right in there. Remember the council of Elrond, when they were sitting around being told to destroy the ring? Yeah that was me sitting next to Legolas. If you listen very carefully, you can hear me speak too:

ARAGORN: If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
ME: andmydagger
LEGOLAS: And you have my bow
GIMLI: And my Axe!
GANDALF: And myyyy
FRODO: Oh shut up Gandalf!
ALL: Hahahahaha! Oh Frodo!
FRODO: Whadid I say?!

And on the bridge of Khazad-Dum, you can hear me again, veeery faintly.
GANDALF: You cannot pass...
me: yeaaah!
GANDALF: I am a servant of the secret fire...
me: Guardian of the free people of Middle Earth...
GANDALF: Wielder of the flame of Anor!
me: He aint lyin!
GANDALF: Dark fire will not avail you
me: Hey sole Gandalf, ummm you got any of that pipe weed left? I'm dying for a fuckin
GANDALF: FLAME OF UDUN!!!
me: Oh sorry mate your busy... ummm...
GANDALF: YOU!
me: listen... I'm just gonna...
GANDALF:SHALL NOT!
me: go... over...Hoy! Samwise!
GANDALF: PASSS!

Yeah I was right in there. But seriously, how can they beat the storyline from a novel that's consistently voted best book ever (Except in the years where the Harry Potter novels came out and all the Hogwarts fanboys voted, but Hazza's not gonna stand the test of time, Gandalf would rip him to shreds the little bitch. Come see me in 60 years if still at the top of the charts Harry, then we could talk, but you'll have to get passed my army of Robosapiens and my seven sons (all called Masamilliano) until then, Hermione! Lets go.)

It's a very very tough trio to beat, but it's not impossible. However, if anyone can do it, it wont be Hollywood, it'll be Asia. Look at Hero, Crouching Tiger, Bichunmoo. All epic films with a level of storytelling and craft that Hollywood can only dream of. (And no the LOTR trilogy wasn't Hollywood, it was a KIWI film. Kiwi director, Kiwi crew, Kiwi writers, a few Kiwi producers, filmed IN New Zealand equals a Kiwi Film.) All Asia needs is a Hollywood budget. They can do fantasy too, take the Jap's for instance, they been doing fantasy for years, just in animated or video game form. If they took the storyline from any given RPG and made into a Blockbuster Fantasy Trilogy, we could have a contender on our hands. Man, I can just see it now...

there's a man... hair blowing in the wind, sword in hand... and... he's got... ummm... he's got an eye patch! Yeah yeah, an eye patch... eye patch...Way of the future...

They should make a movie of The Hobbit (Even an CG one would work), it'd be awesome, the battle of five armies would kick ass like Narnia's battle kicked ass. I wanna see an army of Wargs and Goblins ambush armies of Men, Elves and Dwarfs and nearly win only to be defeated at the last minute by Giant Eagles and a WereBear (IMHO, there aren't enough werebears in movies now days, Werebears would feast on pansy werewolves with glorious bloodlust) I want to see a greedy Dragon that can destroy Auckland City in a few breaths slain by a lone, brave bowman. I want to see Bilbo Baggins steal the ring from Gollum and start the chain of events leading into the Trilogy. And I want to see Gandalf again, he's my homie, You're my BOY G!! You're my BOY!

Also, a Movie version of the Silmarillion would be even more kick ass, they could make 2 trilogies out of that bugger, as epic as it gets really. In one story there's this chick Luthien who is on a Quest with her boyfriend Beren, and there's also this giant dog called Huan, and he kills every motherfckin enemy he sees, and he can talk. Buuuut (here's where the plot thickens) It has been 'fortold' that he will talk only 3 times in his life before he dies. During the story he comes out and helps them out twice and gives them advice, and the third time he comes all he says is "Run Princess". Then he has a fight to the death with Sauron who's shape shifted into a giant wolf. Fuckn yayeahh! What storyline is cooler than a prophecy about a giant fuckin dog who can only talk 3 times before he dies and his last word are "Run Princess" before fighting to the death? I'd pay to see that. I'd pay twice, thrice... ummm quadrice? or is it fourtimestrice? Maybe I can program my Robosapien army to make the movie for me, they can act too, I'll just make costumes for them and do auditions and all that. Any Robosapien wanting to Audition for Huan (the Hound of Valinor) just needs to say two words mate... 'Run Princess'...

O.K to be honest, I don't even think his last words were 'Run Princess', I just kinda made that up, but he does talk to her before fighting a giant wolf to the death... But I can't remember if the wolf was Sauron or not, just kind chucked that in as well, add a bit of drama you know?

So in conclusion...

What was I sayin again?

It doesn't matter.

Fa
C-Rock (Flatbush is where you'll find me.)

2006-07-26T19:01:00.000-07:00

C-Rock's best of everything list 2005!

Best song 2005
The Pussycat Dolls - 'Don't cha'
With its minimilist tom tom beat, "Coltranesque" trumpet hits, classic Busta Rymes flow, and lead singer Nicole Scherzinger's seductive, teasing vocals, The Pussycat Dolls debut single is a funky, tribal yet modern tribute to Girl Power. This is as good as music gets... well... maybe... ok just maybe I'm judging the song by its video clip... actually that's definately it. I'm so glad that sex sells.

Finalists:
James Blunt 'Beatiful'
The Game feat 50 cent 'Hate it or Love it'
John Legend 'Ordinary People'
Fat Freddy's Drop 'Hope'
Mariah Carey 'We belong together'
Ying Yang Twins 'Wait' (The Whisper Song)
Amerie '1 thing'
The White Stripes 'Blue Orchid'
Alicia Keys 'Karma'
50 cent feat Mob Deep 'Outa Control'
Kelly Clarkson 'Since you've been gone' (Just kidding lol... although, a lot of truth is said in jest)

Best Music Video Clip 2005
The Pussycat Dolls - 'Don't cha' Best. Video Clip. Ever.
(Except for Prodigy's R18 'Smack my bitch up' video clip where its shot from the point of view of a dude who goes out and gets wasted on booze and drugs at a club, then he goes to a strip club and spews up and starts hassling the strippers, then gets kicked out, then he goes to a brothel and theres a sex scene, then the hooker follows him home and the have another better sex scene, then the hooker leaves and the dude looks at his bedroom mirror and you find out that it's not a dude at all, but a chick, a reaaly hot chick.
Oh yeah the clip for that Poi e song was cool too, I like the b-boy with the white gloves, he's a legend)

Finalists:The White Stripes 'My Doorbell'
Missy Elliott w/Ciara & Fat Man Scoop, 'Lose Control'
The White Stripes 'Blue Orchid'
Gorillaz 'Feel good inc'
Green Day 'When September ends'

Best Movie 2005
Peter Jackson 'King Kong'PJ does it again! Big Screen Blockbuster shit, damn this is what the movies were made for. Not only are the Action Sequences and CGI top notch best in the world type stuff, but the casting is spot on and the script well worked. Weta Digital is the best Digital Effects studio ever in history. And King Kong is the frikkin man! He really knows how to pull the ladies, if I watched this 10 years ago I would have saved thousands on those self help books and audio tapes like "Speed Seduction for Dummies" or "Seduce and Destroy" by Frank TJ Mackie or "How to Hypnotise Hot girls in 3 easy steps". King Kong makes it so easy, I can't believe I didnt think of it before! If you want hot chicks to worship you... all you have to do...

Is kick the shit out of 3 T-Rexs!

Nothing impresses girls like snapping a Dinosaurs jaw in two. King Kong should write a book, it'll sell millions, it would have him on the cover with a cheeky gorilla grin doing 2 thumbs up, swimsuit models hanging from his ears.

Finalists:
Stephen Chow - 'Kung Fu Hustle' (Hong Kong's return to form)
Andrew Adamson - 'The Chronicles of Narnia - The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe' (Magic for the whole fams, kick ass battle scene climax)
Batman Begins (The first REAL batman movie, dark and dramatic just as it should be, none of this camp cartoon shit)
Sin City (Award for most Badass movie, best comic to film adaptation yet.)
Crash (Had to chuck an arty critics choice one in there)

Best Actress 2005:
Jessica Alba as Nancy 'Sin City'
The only part of this film that was not truly faithful to Frank Miller's graphic novel was Nancy's strip tease scene (which is supposed to be topless) so going in to it I was a little dissappointed, knowing that I wouldnt see Jessica's Albas (Or Nancy's Callahan's if you want to be all... ummm... character... orien...tated). But her dance was sexy personified, I don't think it could have been better, even if it was topless. Great stuff Directors! Jessica Alba should be in EVERY movie, and every Music video clip and every TV show, every ad, every page of every magazine, you know that Windows start up screen? Yeah she should be on that. As well as the Playstation startup screen, Xbox startup screen, she should be the default wallpaper on every cellphone and computer monitor, she should be on the Google.com home page, on every Album cover and CD single. Her face should be on the notes and coins of every currency (The watermark too!). There should be a radio station with her voice reading out random numbers and symbols, and if you are vigilant and take them all down and input them into a text editor like Wordpad or Wordperfect, they'll make up one of those Ascii pictures that are made up of just of alphanumeric and keyboard symbols, and it'll be a portrait of her. But each portrait is actually a movie frame, and if you put them all together and play them at 24 frames per second it will play the Sin City strip tease scene...Yeah...
Finalists:
Jessica Alba - 'Fantastic Four'
Jessica Alba - 'Into the Blue'
Eva Longoria - 'Desperate Housewives'

The "I cant be arsed finishing this Blog" award 2005:
Me

kk

2006-07-26T18:48:00.000-07:00

Why I want to move to Sin City...

First of all it would always be night-time, and every second night would be raining. I'd probably stand in the rain all night and do mean stylie poses, possibly with guns and katanas. When I'm not standing in the rain posing, I'd frequent strip clubs and if some dude tried to take me on I'd dismiss him with badass lines like:

"Sticks and stones Rookie... The name calling I can handle, but the demons of my past, well, I can't speak for them, they might take offence to it."

Either that or I'd put his head through the floor boards then beat him with his own shoe. And I'd only drink straight whiskey, and I mean ONLY straight whiskey, no water or coffee or any of that crap.In Sin City, whenever I do the 'self talk' thing that guys do so well (And girls do not so well, hence the blahblahblahblah naaah...) it wont be a voiceless whisper in my head, it'd be a low, gritty, tough guy voice-over which would make even the most mundane things sound cool e.g:

"Last day of the Briscoe's sale, it'll be a 20 minute drive in this traffic. That's 20 minutes I won't be getting back in a hurry. Need to buy some godamn Duvet covers, mine are stained with sweat, blood and... shadow memories I'd rather forget. Its getting close to winter so I need to have this done before the hailstorms start again. Hmmm... Maybe I'll also buy pillowcases"

I'd have a cool name too, don't know exactly what, I was gonna say "Bullet Dodger", and for a split second I truly believed it was my own original creation, but its actually from Snatch, so bluh... But everyone in sin city's got a cool name, Marv, Deadly Miho, The Salesman, The General (thats a good name for a man's... ummm... nevermind), Jack Rafferty (Another good name for a man's... ummm... nevermind), Yellow Bastard, Goldie.

Being a good guy wouldn't be so bad, because your not forced to be one of those goody good geek boys like Luke Skywalker or that damn Daniel Lurusso from Karate Kid (I'd kick his pansy ass). You can fight for a just cause, sure, but it's O.K to bust some knee caps in the process, none of this save the life of your sworn enemy stuff, no way. I'd probably hang around in the shadows and mug crooked cops after mafioso payday, or maybe I'd hang out in the Oldtown red light district, be the supply guy for the ladies, anything they need, cars, drugs, alcohol, information. That would be cool...Hell of a lot better than working in a call centre thats for sure..."The Valkyrie at my side is shouting and laughing with the pure, hateful, bloodthirsty joy of the slaughter... and so am I."

2006-07-26T18:29:00.000-07:00

Head for the Hills!!

My subconscious mind is the best writer/director in the world.

I just had a dream that I was walking down Time Square in New York and all these planes started flying into buildings, or just burning up in mid air like some 9/11 apocalypse. It was terrorists, a whole shitload of them taking over every plane in the sky. It was freaky, people were screaming, crying saying shit like "Whyyy?!!"and "No not again, this cant happen again!" "Please Lord!" I ran past this store with a T.V in the window and the lady on CNN was saying that these attacks were happening all over the world, Tokyo, Moscow, Paris, LondBOOOOM!! Her building got hit. Static, snow.

I turned around then and saw a whole line of 747's in the distance about to crash and destroy us all, it was pretty out of it, just standing there, waiting for death... But then some dude next to me goes "Look there, up in the sky!" I saw a line of very small figures flying towards the 747's. It was the super humans, they live amongst us all it's true, they just never come out of disguise, the world would never accept them, they would be taken away, tested, interogated, imprisoned, executed. But in this case, the need was too great, the loss of innocent lives, immense. They decided to take matters into their own hands. I looked around and random people, regular joes, slackers, old men with beer guts, school girls, all around me people took to flight and flew towards the planes to guide them away from civilians, or to destroy them in mid air. I started running away, running really fast, I couldn't believe what I was witnessing...Yeah it was about this point that I realised I was dreaming, and that I would awaken shortly, so I did what all guys do once they know they're dreaming...

I looked for sex, hahaha

Who cares about the dying innocent civilians, super humans and terrorists in 747's, I want some ass. Bit of a slap in the face to my subconscious mind (It did go into all the trouble of thinking of such blockbuster special effects and gripping storyline for my dream) but it'll forgive me I'm sure. Just trying to keep it real!